


pain suffocates me; love leaves me breathless

by halstiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healer Harry Potter, I'm Not A Medical Professional, M/M, Slow Burn, St Mungo's Hospital, There's a Little Bit of Research and a Whole Lot of Guessing, Torture, disabled Draco
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-07 14:04:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11625093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halstiel/pseuds/halstiel
Summary: Draco Malfoy knew it was Harry Potter, that night in the Manor. Now, he must face the consequences long after the Dark Lord's fall, with the help of an unexpected, and long-time, foe. A story where love can't solve everything, but makes life a hell of a lot easier to deal with.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> unedited.

Draco knew Harry Potter's face.

He knew how it would twist in anger. How his bright green eyes would glare and how his lips opened as he bared his teeth, pulling his skin taut. 

He knew how it would distort and curl into itself as different emotions flashed on his face. He knew right when he was about to throw an insult back. His eyes would shine in malicious glee as he stooped to Draco's level to try to hurt, maim, aim to kill Draco's self-esteem.

He knew how it would crumple in remorse and regret, moments after he sliced open Draco's chest.

Draco also had his weak moments. Those moments when Draco stared at his laughing face. His eyes would sometimes crinkle, or they would widen in delight and his smile was full of warmth. Warmth that was never meant for Draco.

However, Draco had never seen one emotion on Harry Potter's face.

Fear.

So, when Draco's father asked him if he recognised Harry Potter, he technically told the truth. He did not recognise him, because he had never seen Potter's face contorted so horribly and not only from fear. (The Stinging Hex must have been Granger's idea, since the idiots who brought the trio in claimed they had nothing to do with it.) His eyes were wide and alight with emotion. Those pale green eyes were begging him not to say anything. Harry Potter never begged. He was biting his bottom lip raw. Harry Potter never bit his lips; it was never one of his nervous gestures. 

It was easy to say "I don't know."

It was easy to shove the wands at him.

It's Hell, trying to deal with the aftermath.

The Dark Lord arrived, only seconds after Harry Potter and Dobby disappeared, the house-elf catching a knife in his chest. 

Aunt Bella was screaming madly. Mother was trying to usher Draco out of the room before the Dark Lord could catch glimpse of them. Alas, he knew immediately what they were doing without even turning to look at them. The door slammed shut with an audible _bang!_ and his voice was full of anger. "Dearest Draco, where do you think you're going? And pretty, narcissistic Narcissa? Leaving so _soon_?"

The Dark Lord turned to Draco, ignoring the Stunned bodies of the werewolf and Father. Draco could feel the probing presence of the Dark Lord, invading his mind, but Draco knew Occlumency. He forced his shields up, right beneath the surface, the thoughts: his eyes were too blue, his hair was too long, he was not Potter--

The Dark Lord laughed maliciously. "Of course it was Potter, Malfoy. Only he would have been able to escape. Where is Wormtail?" Both Draco and his mother blanched. Neither had even thought of Wormtail. The Dark Lord tsked, displeased. "Go to the dungeons and search for him. He would not have gone far."

Draco ran out of the room, and cringed when he heard Aunt Bella's bellows echoing around the staircase. He didn't register what she was saying; his eyes had caught sight of Wormtail.

His body was curled up in a fetal position and there were bruises blooming around his neck. His silver hand was disconnected, the magic of the amputation shivering in anticipation. Draco gulped, breathing in heavily.

He went for his wand, only to realise he had surrendered it to Potter. Figures. He slowly backed away, before noticing that the dungeon was empty. 

 _Fuck_.

 

"Draco Malfoy . . ." the Dark Lord whispered, his voice soft and deceiving, "are you telling me that, not only is Wormtail a traitor once again, but that my prisoners have been taken?"

Draco was bowed in front of the Dark Lord, on his hands and knees. He only confirmed with a meek, "Yes, my Lord."

Greyback had been sent to the dungeons, and both of the elder Malfoys were being held in an _Incarcerous_. Draco could feel Aunt Bella's eyes on his back, burning holes that saw through his soul. She _knows_.

"You are in quite the predicament, Draco Malfoy. Both of your parents have already been put under the Cruciatus curse, but I feel that punishment is too . . . tame for you. You've lost not only you wand, but my dear Bella's wand as well. I believe that she should have the honour of torturing you. I shall deal with the other Malfoys myself, as well as Greyback." He paused, Levitating Draco's parents. He looked at Aunt Bella. "Perhaps the muggle methods will be best, since he has lost his power?"

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Maybe a mixture of muggle methods, as well as magic. _Accio Cissy's wand_!"

The Dark Lord's laugh filled the room, mocking the Malfoys. Mother struggled in her bounds at last, as her wand came souring through the air into Aunt Bella's hand. She studied it carefully and then smiled, showing her rotting teeth. "Why, I deem this wand worthy of torture!" 

"I shall leave you to it, my lovely, twisted Bella," the Dark Lord proclaimed, banging the Incarcerated forms of Draco's parents into objects as he moved them out of the drawing room. 

The clanging of the door slamming shut forcefully reminded Draco that he was a prisoner, too. Except he didn't get to escape.

 

"Draco, Draco, what to do with you?" Aunt Bella purred, enunciating every word. Draco forced himself to continue to stare at the floor; he hadn't moved from his bowing position.

She chuckled darkly to herself. "There's always the good, old fashioned whipping. I think that's how we'll start, hm?"

Foreign magic spelled away Draco's outer robes and shirt underneath. His arms shook violently as he trembled with fear.

"Not to worry, Draco! It won't hurt at all!" she exclaimed as the first lash came down.

Draco let out a shocked gasp and clenched his jaw shut as the end of the whip gripped its' claws into Draco's back and pulled the skin off. He held in a scream as he felt the blood drip down his side. With each lash, Bellatrix began to talk. 

"There is a muggle myth of a man who could perform miracles." _Crack_! Tears ran silently down his face and he bit his lip so hard, Draco gulped down the tangy, metallic taste of blood after cutting open his lip. "This man was hated by many people, because they were scared of his power." _Crack_! "They decided, the leaders of some of the muggles-" _Crack_! "-that they were going to kill him."

"First, they would publicly humiliate him." _Crack_! Draco's arm gave way and he fell forward onto his stomach. "They whipped him thirty-" _Crack_! "-nine-" _Crack_! "-times!" Blood splattered against the floor and Draco could feel each claw dig into the layers of skin and tendons underneath and pull.

"They forced him-" _Crack_! "-into a crown-" _Crack_! "-made of the thorns!" _Crack_! Draco started sobbing, blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth. "To mock-" _Crack_! "-his Holiness!" Her laugh echoed around them, while Draco screamed. 

"Then, they forced-" _Crack_! "-him to carry-" _Crack_! "-his own crucifix." 

Draco cried freely, his tears mixing with blood. Bellatrix stood next to Draco, bending down. She grabbed the sides of his face and pulled hard. Draco whimpered as he felt his neck crack and pain exploded in his veins, setting every cell on fire. "They marked him, mocked him, and killed him.

"It's a pity I can't kill you, but perhaps the Dark Lord could be persuaded if I drive you to insanity." She threw his face away from her and his body collapsed. " _Crucio_!" 

The pain of Draco's back was nothing compared to that of the Cruciatus curse. Both seemed to complement the other and Draco could feel each pinprick of the Cruciatus curse as his entire back seemed to be engulfed in flame.

He lost consciousness after forty minutes.

 

Harry Potter was in front of him. It was the Room of Hidden Things, except everything was white. Every book, every object. 

Even the Vanishing Cabinet.

Harry Potter was not white, though. He looked a little bit like he did when he was at the Manor, except without the Stinging Hex. His curly, black hair went passed his shoulders and his face was grazed with stubble. His eyes were vivid green behind his glasses, and his dark skin contrasted with the white robes nicely.

Draco looked down at himself and was quietly surprised to see that he was naked. He ran a hand through his hair and it was gel free and wavy. How it was naturally. He didn't feel modest, though. It felt right.

"You're losing your sanity," Potter said without preamble. The Vanishing Cabinet door opened. "You can either choose to regain your sanity and wake up, or you can choose not to."

"Where will I be if I choose not to?" Draco asked.

"You will be locked inside of your mind. You will most likely create a world in which you will feel most happy and comfortable in, before true reality intrudes. If you choose to lose your sanity, you will most definitely be killed by the Dark Lord."

Draco's eyes narrowed. "The real Harry Potter would say Vol-" Draco looked away. "The Dark Lord's true name."

"I cannot," Potter said, not unkindly. "Because I am apart of you, I cannot do something you cannot." Potter paused. "You are a coward, Draco Malfoy. And you know this. You also know that if you wake back up, you must face the reality of what has been done to you. You have been tortured for over an hour, at least. You have been whipped so severely, you will most likely never truly recover. You will also forever bare _my_ mark."

Draco's brow furrowed in confusion. "What, from the _Sectumsempra_?"

"Not only that. Bellatrix is carving a lightning bolt into your forehead as we speak. The Dark Lord has taken over with the Cruciatus curse."

"How do you know this?"

"I'm the part of you that's still aware. I'm the part of you that can still think clearly." Potter paused. "I'm the part of you that still cares. Since there are so many barriers to keep me suppressed, I'm the most protected by your Occlumency while you are being tortured. But if you don't wake up, I'll be lost, too."

The thought of Harry Potter losing chilled Draco to the core and he shuddered. Potter smiled slightly. "If you can be disturbed, then I suppose I already know what you're going to do."

"I can't leave my parents," Draco said. The situation frightened him, but he will not leave them.

"Before you go, I must warn you - you will continue to be tortured. Even when you wake up, you may lose consciousness again, but you will no longer be on the brink of insanity. You remember what to do. Live in the pain. Let it flow through you. Do not tense- it will only make it worse." Draco nodded. "After they are done with the physical abuse, they will most likely begin emotional and mental abuse. They will most likely keep you near Dementers. Reiterate this thought to yourself - _Potter will win_. It isn't a happy thought, nor is it hopeful. It is a statement." The books started disappearing and the Vanishing Cabinet door slammed shut. "They will most likely force you to torture more. Research spell creation. Perhaps you can create a spell that mimics the Cruciatus curse without actually inflicting pain." 

The brightness of the room dimmed until all that was left was Harry Potter.

"Own your pain, Draco Malfoy. Wear your scars with pride."

Draco stared at Potter, even as his form began to dissipate. "Why you?"

His laughter faded away, along with his answer. "You want to make him proud."

Pain ignited in every pore as Draco opened his eyes.

* * *

The stasis charm put on Draco allowed him to move without pain. He held his chin high, even as Death Eaters laughed at the lightning bolt that ran down his nose, or the "P o t t e r - L o v e r" forever engraved into his cheeks.

He created a wordless incantation that he cast before whispering, " _Cruci_ . . ." The wand movement was the same as _Adsmilo tortus nullum clamor_ , and the victims' always screamed and shook violently as he held the spell.

His room was moved next to where they kept the people who were to be Kissed by Dementors. He studied how to become an Animagus during the coldest days and succeeded right before the end of the war. 

It was a dove.

Before they charged into Hogwarts, Draco put a Glamour on his face.

* * *

The moment the Dark Lord fell, so did Draco. The stasis charm that was able to keep him steady vanished and he collapsed, shaking uncontrollably, his Glamour dissipating as well.

He did not scream, but he did sob.

His parents carried him to the Headmaster's office and Flooed back to the Manor.

The Aurors arrived three days later.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The wards around the Manor quivered, sensing the hostile magic coming towards the home. It bounded towards the ancient family who resided inside, only to find one of its' members completely encased in tainted magic. Distressed, the Manor's magic flooded into the Lord of the household.

Lucius breathed in, as the magic flowed through him. _Danger is coming . . . danger is coming_ . . .

"The Ministry is coming," Lucius said, his voice low.

"Take down the wards! Let them know that we are here!" Narcissa said, her voice shaking as she stared down at Draco. 

"And then what? What do you think they'll do to us, Narcissa? They'll kill us on sight!" he said, his voice rising. Draco moaned from the bed and began to turn onto his back. They both moved to stop him, but it was too late; he started screaming as his back arched off of the bed.

" _Traitor, traitor, TRAITOR_!" he shouted as his body tensed, his form going rigid.

"He's going to start seizing. Spotty!" A house-elf appeared, wringing her tiny hands together. "I need you to get as much of the medical equipment we have in the Manor. And Healing potions, as many as you can find!" Narcissa ordered, watching as the elf bowed quickly and Apparated away.

"Cissa, they're here," Lucius said, his voice soft.

"Let them in."

"But-"

"No!" She whirled around to face her husband. "Draco needs help. He needs to be seen to, Lucius!"

"What are they going to do with him, Cissa? Think clearly. He bears the Dark Lord's Mark," he pleaded, flinching as they began to try to dismantle the wards. _Do not fight back_ , he ordered. _Only protect_.

Narcissa looked at him with cold, determined eyes. "He also bears Potter's Mark. Let down the wards, or else I will."

Lucius looked at her for a moment, before nodding once and focusing on the pure magic of the wards. Instantly, he saw through them and quickly looked at the red-cloaked Aurors at the front gate. He swallowed and ordered, _Let them in_. The magic moved restlessly. _Now_.

Sensing the urgency, the magic released the wards, just as the Aurors began casting again. Lucius lost the connection and glanced back at the bed. Narcissa and Spotty had moved Draco onto his stomach, Narcissa healing the wounds that had reopened. "What did you give him?"

"Muscle relaxant made by S-" Narcissa cut herself off, continuing, "A  _Seize Those Seizures_ potion, a potion to help with the Cruciatus shivers, a Calming Draught, and two Pain-Relievers."

Lucius breathed out through his nose. "They're coming in now," he stated. He studied her silently and watched as she ran her fingers through her curly hair. Narcissa stared down at Draco and Lucius moved to comfort her as she began to cry. As soon as the Dark Lord fell, so had their masks. Only family mattered, from that point on. 

"He's the only thing that matters, Lucius," she said, her voice cracking as she blinked up at her husband, echoing his thoughts.

"If only we had seen that sooner," he agreed, holding her tightly. Spotty re-Apparated with Melody in tow and they stood on either side of the bed, Melody setting aside more Healing potions. 

They listened as the Aurors' voices and footsteps got louder until they were right outside the door. " _Reducto_!" one of them bellowed, and both house-elves casted an orange-tinted _Protego,_ shielding the Malfoys.

The Elder Malfoys held their ground, Narcissa quietly thanking Spotty and Melody and telling them they could drop the spell. Both preened at her attention, but neither dropped the Shield charm. Narcissa and Lucius shared a look, both unnerved.

Witches and wizards in red cloaks flooded the room, but none were able to touch the Malfoys - or even the orange-tinted Shield charm. One man stepped forward and Lucius swallowed. 

"Malfoy," Arthur Weasley said, his voice cold and sneering. "Tell your house-elves to drop the spell."

"Spotty, Melody." His voice was soft but clear. "Please drop the Shield charms."

"Melody is sorry, Master Malfoy," Melody said, his strange and uniquely deep voice also clear. "But Spotty and Melody cannot do that, no we cannot, Master Malfoy."

Lucius looked at the house elf, not bothering to hide his emotions from the strangers; instead, his face was clearly puzzled, with his bloodshot eyes wide. He was bewildered, if not slightly hysterical in his asking of, "Why ever not?"

Melody audibly swallowed as he looked at the Aurors. "Because Melody and Spotty will never let any harm ever come to the Malfoy family, no, sir." Someone snorted from the crowd of Aurors.

Behind them, Draco started shifting on the bed and Narcissa quickly hurried to his side, trying to keep him from moving onto his back. "Draco, darling," she whispered, staring at Lucius as he and the Wealsey patriarch glared at each other.

"M-m-m-mother," he moaned, his voice low and in obvious pain. She looked down at Draco and tilted his head in her direction. His eyes fluttered open, blood-shot and looking bruised. The lightning bolt on his forehead was oozing little droplets of blood. She quickly spelled away the blood and smiled thickly at her son.

"I'm here," she replied, just as Lucius called, "Narcissa," in an urgent tone. 

She covered Draco's ears as she uttered a quick, "What?" She glanced back at him and blanched as she caught sight of Harry Potter, who appeared to be having a friendly conversation with Melody.

 "I'll be back in a moment, darling," Narcissa said, hurrying back next to her husband.

"So, they don't hurt you, then?" Potter asked Melody. The house elf looked to the Elder Malfoys.

"Answer honestly," Narcissa ordered, her voice firm.

"Melody was never hurt, Harry Potter, sir," he told Potter.

"And you, Spotty?" Potter prodded.

"If punishment was needed, then Spotty enjoyed it! Spotty never wants to disappoint her family, Harry Potter, sir," she said.

"Did either of you belong to a particular member of the Malfoy family?"

"Master Draco," said Melody.

"Mistress Malfoy." Spotty gave a toothy smile as Narcissa nodded towards her.

"Where is Mal- er, Draco?" Potter asked, turning back towards the Elder Malfoys. 

"The bed." Everyone noticed the difference in Narcissa's tone. However, someone snorted from the back once again.

"What's wrong with the baby Death Eater? Crying over his dead Lord?" 

Narcissa snarled, actually _snarled_ , and tried to launch herself at the perpetrator, brandishing her wand. Lucius caught her and forced her into his arms, before she was able to touch the Shield charm. "We must protect him," he reminded her in an undertone that only she could hear.

She breathed in and nodded once. Lucius gave a grim smile and gently let her down. 

"Might want to put a muzzle on your bitch, Malfoy," someone else called and Potter turned around, his face twisting.

His voice was hard when he spoke. "If it weren't for Narcissa Malfoy, we may not have won. Show some respect." But when he turned around, he had an odd expression on his face, like he couldn't believe he just said that.

That sentence led Narcissa to make a quick decision. She glanced at her husband, before speaking. "Melody, Spotty, let him pass. Only Mr. Potter," she ordered. They both nodded  and extended the Shield charm to include him.

"What?" he said, his voice wary. His hand flew to his wand, but he didn't draw it. 

"Narcissa, Draco will never forgive you," Lucius said, his mouth curving up in dark amusement. Despite the circumstances, both knew _exactly_ how Draco would feel about this if he were coherent. They allowed themselves a moment of amusement in the melancholy that had been plaguing them for the past . . . years.

"He must forever face the indignity of this situation," she said seriously. "He will learn to forgive me."

Potter merely raised his brows at her and Narcissa stifled a sigh as she ushered him to the bed. She stood close to him and whispered, "You must promise that he goes to St Mungo's before he is detained."

"Show me why before I promise," he said, glancing at the Aurors before looking at Draco's back.

Narcissa moved slowly, and ran a hand through Draco's curling hair, perspiration shining on his gaunt face. "Darling, can you hear me?"

"M-m-m-mot'er," he whispered. "'m s-so tir'd."

A shot of alarm went through both Narcissa and Potter. "Draco, you must stay awake. Do you know who is with me right now?"

"'et m-me s'eep," Draco muttered, his face turning abnormally pale. The lightning bolt began to bleed again.

"Harry Potter is here, Draco," she said, knowing his reaction.

Narcissa bit her lip as his eyes shot open. "M-mot'er, m-my G'am-m-our, m-m-m-my G-g-glam-mour," he said uselessly. 

He tried to get up and any amusement Narcissa found in the situation vanished. "Draco, no!" But it was too late.

He had managed to get onto his side, but as soon as any pressure went near his back, he screamed, the pain possessing him. His body went frigid, shaking severely, and his face was on display for everyone to see. The carving of the bleeding lightning bolt. "Potter-lover." The other carvings of blood-traitor and muggle-lover on his chest, all healed, but scarred for life. Draco sucked in and muttered, "Traitor, traitor, traitor," under his breath, every moment, his voice getting louder.

"Help me, please," Narcissa begged Potter and he nodded, still staring at Draco's face. He pulled out his wand and put up a privacy barrier between the Aurors and the Malfoys. 

"What's wrong with him?" Potter asked as they began to roll Draco back onto his stomach. "Oh Jesus," he murmured as he caught sight of his back. The skin was flayed and bloody; some of the wounds exposed Draco's spinal cord. Narcissa cursed softly; the potions she had given him were clearly not enough.

"He was hit with the Cruciatus curse for three hours," Lucius said as Narcissa began a new round of healing spells. "He was also whipped."

"No whip could do this," Potter said. "At least . . . from what I've seen, no whip could do this. Who did this?"

Lucius glanced at Narcissa, but she was concentrating on Draco. She appeared to not have heard Potter. "It was Bellatrix. She said it was a whip, but something grabbed the skin and ripped it out."

"A magical flog, then." Potter shuddered. "No need to make _that_ anymore dangerous then it already was." 

Draco's body convulsed and he started screaming, "Traitor, traitor, TRAITOR, FILTHY POTTER-SYMPATHIZER, _FILTHY BETRAYER OF THE BLOOD!_ "

Potter worked quickly, brandishing his wand and using Severus' healing spell, his voice angelic and soothing. Draco continued to thrash on the bed as Narcissa poured potions into his mouth and Lucius worked on open wounds. 

After what felt like hours, the shaking subsided and his screaming stopped. He moaned every so often, but it was always an "I'm sorry," that was uttered so brokenly.

Potter breathed in deeply and asked to see their left arms. Startled, Narcissa and Lucius looked at him with trepidation. Potter took down the privacy charm.

Potter looked no better than they probably did. His unruly hair was wet and sweat slid down his face. His green eyes were unnaturally bright and restless; constantly, they glanced back at Draco, as if to see if he were still there. However, neither Malfoy looked to see what the Aurors reactions were.

"Please." Despite his appearance, his authority was not to be questioned. 

Both pulled up their sleeves. Narcissa's arm was bare; Lucius' arm was not.

"Lucius Malfoy, you will immediately be detained and taken into the Aurors custody. Narcissa Malfoy, though you may have been an accomplice, at this time you will not be questioned or arrested-" Multiple groans were heard from the other side of the room. "-but you will have an Auror watch over you at St Mungo's while Draco is there and treated for spell damage."

Both nodded minutely. Lucius stepped forward, but Potter's voice halted him. "He is not to be touched in any malicious way, understand? I will know if that order is disobeyed," Potter said, adressing the Aurors. They said nothing. Lucius darted a glance back at Potter, but he was staring at Draco's back.

"Spotty, Melody, please drop the Shield charm," Lucius ordered for a final time.

"Yes, Master," Spotty replied. Lucius never got the chance to look back at Narcissa before he was Apparated away.

A few moments later, the Manor was empty. The magic swirled around before deciding to follow the tainted Lord. Its' joyous awakening into a wizard deserving of it faded into a mellow happiness, unnoticed by the immobile, sleeping Draco Malfoy in St Mungos. He shifted slightly in his bed, before having another seizure.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this will be a multi-chapter eighth year fic that will be completely centered around draco and his disabilities. most likely, chapters will come out a random. i hope you enjoy!


End file.
